Remember when I said I was volunteering for the cops? Well, naturally, they don't just let any old civilian off the streets come in an just start volunteering. Nooooo, there's all these hoops to jump through. Today? Polygraph test.
I wasn't concerned. I had to do a polygraph back in college for my retail job. Found out, though, the PO-lice are a bit more thorough.
I was given a whole booklet to fill out ahead of time. Geez, how many different ways are there to be illegally involved in drugs and/or sex?!
The polygraph man was pretty mellow. He admitted that employee and volunteer polygraphs were rather boring, "but the criminals are interesting". He had a very calming voice - like that of an announcer for a classical music radio station. I commented on that, and he told me that it was by design.
He also had a fun way of opening doors that required badge access. Instead of unclipping his badge and running it past the reader, he would just go up to the reader and give it a good chest bump. I liked that about Polygraph man. We had to go through a number of doors, requiring his chest bumps, just for me to use the restroom, as the one near the polygraph room was for police only.
"They put their guns on the counters when they use the restroom", he explained. Awesome!
Polygraph tests, for the untested, are mainly a series of yes or no questions given while hooked up to a machine that monitors breathing, blood pressure, and perspiration. Obvious, benign questions are interspersed along with the more flavorful variety. Our session went a bit like this:
Polygraph man: Is today Tuesday?
Polygraph man: Are we in Colorado now?
Polygraph man: Have you ever had sex with a child under 15 years old?
Polygraph man: Are the lights on?
Me: *wonders if he's referring to the time I had sex with a child under 15 years old?* Yes.
Polygraph man: Have you been involved in the manufacture of illegal drugs?
Polygraph man: Is this the month of October?
And so on and so on and so on and... for about an hour.
Afterwards, he asked me how I thought I did. I said I thought I did okay. He said he thought I did okay too. Then he gave me paperwork to go have a urinalysis done.
"Did you know you had to do a urinalysis?", he asked.
"No, and I was wondering why I didn't", I replied.
"That's because we like to surprise you", he smiled.